BEAUTY OF THE PAIN
I knew if I cried, it would have been easier, searched for that state of heart or mood to get myself out of the troubles but I couldn’t. My visions were blurred so I could not see save the image I had in my head of a beautiful atmosphere and where to reach my Maker for answers that will form a picture of certainty in my mind again. I believed in faith and still do but I was in a stage where nothing made sense; why will my joy be stolen when i thought I had the breakthrough or almost gotten to the promise of a rest? This was the question going through my mind, when I remembered; Moses saw the promise but never entered. But the truth is that I have a better covenant because without me, even father Abraham cannot be perfected (Heb 11:40). Yet with this knowledge there was no harmony between reality and faith.
Are you there? I was there; at this stage of confusion and hopelessness. The only thing that kept coming to mind was “A beautiful release and distraction (I didn’t even mind sin) from everything as I recalled the words from a song:
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel “not good enough?
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an Angel, fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here
So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of an Angel, far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here
The pain was so severe, like someone burnt from a fire. Sometimes i woke up in the morning feeling a hole was dug in my heart and the hole becomes deeper the moment i remember the times we spent together, things we did together: like the prayers, playing and the gossips we heard around from sources we trusted as role models; those we decided to confide in but only let us down based on their assumptions that let to their conclusions about us.
Beloved, but there I was, in contact with the reality of disappointment because I refused to see today. Hung on so much to the joy of yesterday as the only prerequisite to the joy of tomorrow.
I judged myself based on who I was and not on who I stand to become or who i am today...Hmm, indeed Temitayo.
Today I have realized both pain and joy lie within the process of thought...
“Both sorrow and joy lie in the power of choice”
...buf akpan 2005,
What you chose to believe determines how you think, how you think forms your attitude and your attitudes determine what you attract.
Joy attracts love, peace, favours, grace, blessing, abundance ...and sorrow only invites deterioration, pity,, shame, disappointment, loneliness....
I have learnt that people disappoint you because you let them, you let them determine your joy or sorrow, you depend on them and so you expect them to give you what they don’t have. God relates to us based on how He thinks, based on His spoken or given word; imagine how many would have disappointed him if He relates to us based on our attitude; may be David, may be Abraham, may be Rahab, may be Tamar, may be Judah, may be Paul, may be Peter, may be Moses, may be Joshua, may be Mary, may be Uduak and may be You.
“if God should mark iniquity, who can truly stand” but i have grown, i have moved a step further into son-ship. The Lord depend so much on me and He is willing to be patient with me until perfection is a manifestation.
So the beauty of the pain is growth, growth attract more commitment and blessings follows.
Just remember I can only give what I have. My painful experience has brought me nothing but joy and out of that joy I am sharing with you that no matter how terrible your present state is, joy is looming around. It will show forth if you let it.
I believe in you but the Lord believes in you more than I do.
I love you but the good Lord loves you more than i do.
Yours at-all-time
Buf akpan
+2348031134260, +2347031057792 and +2347026701087.
